The Men from Atlantis Communiqués

Election venom. I don’t get it. Sure, maybe you don’t much care for one of the presidential candidates. Maybe you think they are lacking in character, intelligence or any hint of common sense. Maybe you think they are ineffective, indifferent, incapable or just plain ugly. maybe you think they lack any morals or core beliefs and are willing to say or promise anything in order to feed their bloated ego’s and ride the executive gravy train for four years. Maybe you’re right.

Since, from my perspective, every candidate front runner for both parties qualifies for some if not all of the above-listed categories, I have trouble understanding the unusual hatred directed at candidate Clinton and candidate McCain. One is male, one female. One is ancient, the other just old. One has blond hair and no fashion sense, the other has gray hair and no common sense. On the surface, they seem different. The staunch conservatives think both candidates are liberal pukes who cater to the left wing. The staunch liberals think both candidates are heartless ogres who cater to the right wing. So what is the commonality that draws all this venom, ire and wrath upon them? Americans seem to be united in their disdain of torture and it’s practitioners and willing participants, and this is why I believe these two are so tremendously despised in some quarters.
What is the evidence that leads me to such a weird conclusion? Well, let’s look at the facts about these two candidates.
Hillary didn’t leave bill when he cheated on her, that would’ve played right into his foul plan and let him off too easy, as well. It was more enjoyable to her to remain married to him and maintain her position as “Shadow President” while getting a daily opportunity to brow-beat the supposed leader of the free world for his untrustworthiness, lying, lack of morals and amazingly bad taste in mistresses. Divorcing his sorry ass would have shown real intestinal fortitude and won her some fans, but pretending to forgive him kept her position as “Shadow President” intact and provided the opportunity to rub it in on a daily basis. Clearly, Hillary enjoys torturing people. She does it on practically a daily schedule to total strangers who happen upon any of the ubiquitous broadcasts of debates or interviews with her which befoul the airwaves. These unsuspecting victims find themselves groaning and agonizing their way through yet another set of contrived questions, of journalistic fawning, condescending answers, fake smiles and girlish giggles. If watching her on a regular basis doesn’t qualify as torture, what does? How can her supporters call for an end to waterboarding without feeling any hint of hypocrisy?

McCain, on the other hand, is also pro-torture. Sure, he manages a respectable show of disdain on the subject and likes to recount the misty memories of his own torture experiences at the rat-like hands of America’s Vietnamese foes of years past. Yup, he claims to be against it. But on the other hand he’s not so sure that waterboarding is torture since it doesn’t involve tiger-pits, beatings, political brainwashing attempts, being submerged in sewage, having electrical devices attached to ones testicles, or any of the other leisure-time activities (that the Vietnamese resort personnel used to amuse themselves and their guests) with which McCain became intimately acquainted during his stay at their beautiful luxury resort in the 60′s. Sure, he claims he was a P.O.W., held against his will; but when given the chance to leave he sent someone else in his place and stayed. Why the hell would anyone do something so stark-raving stupid, you ask? Being an officer does not automatically make you stupid (although it helps) so McCain hasn’t got that one for an excuse, although his decision was because of his officer status, or so he claims. He says he was doing what a superior officer should by caring about and showing concern for his underlings and their wellbeing. But what if that’s just political posturing to cover up the fact that he’s a masochist who contracted a severe case of Stockholm syndrome? And being a centrist voter in the republican party regularly earns him the kind of adoration usually reserved for rabid dogs and rotting roadkill. Clearly, candidate McCain enjoys the thrills and chills of being tortured.

I believe this is the commonality of the candidates which makes them so despised!
Hillary enjoys inflicting torture and misery on others, McCain enjoys being tortured and miserable. Sort of makes you wonder why they haven’t ditched their spouses and got together with each other, don’t it? Oh yeah, I forgot. the whole “really ugly” thing that they both have going. My bad!

Apparently a sizable number of Americans really fear McCain becoming president or Hillary becoming president again. Not amongst this sizable number are the sadists who support Hillary and the masochists for McCain.

From an Atlantean perspective, waterboarding is a tried and true medical procedure highly efficacious in curing a respiratory condition known as “dry gill” and not a torture at all. Perhaps torture is in the cruel and unusual eye of the inflicter and the subjective memory of the victim. Or maybe Americans really do have a solid grasp of just what torture is and think that watching or listening to either of the presidential candidates definitely qualifies as torture. My conclusion? A very large number of Americans are not into s&m and their loathing towards both McCain and Clinton is irrefutable proof of this fact!

Hugh Mann

Without a clear leader in the American Democratic party’s national popularity contest, will the democratic super-delegates finally have the wisdom and balls to end the embargo on Cuban Cigars. Without a clear majority of elected delegates, apparently the choice will fall to that ages-old mechanism, the smoke filled room. Democrats have not had the privilege to resort to this system since the sixties. Then there were probably enough Cuban cigars still in the country to allow the system to work with maximum efficiency. However, to make this procedure work today, a new surplus of Cuban Cigars must be allowed into the country.

With the recent promotion of Lil’ Bro to the head of the Cuban government, and the mere mention of reforms and improved relations, the time is ripe to import one of the few penultimate accomplishments of human civilization, the Cuban Cigar.

Since the Earth’s air breathers will surely never end the monopoly that Cuba continues to hold in production of this triumph of human ingenuity, it is time to open up all global markets to their intoxicating perfume, enticing taste and phallic connotations. I urge the Democratic party to act NOW! Open markets should be their pledge to the American Air Breathers. Should they fail to act with haste, they could end up choosing their candidate in a talentless American Idol competition in an environment dowsed with lower quality products, and therefore make a lower quality decision.

Further benefits to the entirety of surface dweller civilization will surely follow immediately, as the Zeta Reticulans will increase their presence and create a huge influx of galactic products. As active trade partners, Zeta Reticulans have within their powers to end the galactic embargo placed upon the surface dwellers because of America’s claims to be ‘The Global Superpower’. These claims have only served to languish the planet outside of galactic commerce with all its rights and privileges. America must step up and fulfill its own propaganda by making Cuban Cigars available to advanced civilization outside the tiny Milky Way. As an outpost on a lightly traveled trade route, this planet needs to maximize its attractiveness to willing trade partners. Free the Cuban Cigar from this embargo now.

Revisit your decision to purchase a deed to Atlantis. Your purchase will further extend the promise of membership in the inter-galactic community, and bring the benefits of inter-stellar trade closer to fruition.

Joe King

End the Galactic Embargo Now!

My guess is that the world power, America never considered the fallout that would occur if the Zeta-Reticulans believed their bold propaganda. Big on bravado, but short on Cuban Cigars they have boasted their power to the wrong consumer. The Zeta-Reticulans only partake in the finest indulgences in the galaxy. Without ready access to Cuban cigars, the superpower, America has doomed the planet’s air breathers to galactic ostracism.

Now, perhaps, the world power America will use this as an excuse to breach the peace with its tiny (but evil) neighbor and solve this consumer nightmare. Perhaps there is hope! That even though Cuba will surely continue to monopolize the entire planet’s production of Cuban cigars, they could become more available in the superpower, America.

I tire of the repeated, but necessary trips into the icy kingdom north of the superpower, America. Canada offers ready availability to the penultimate accomplishment of human civilization, the Cuban Cigar. I would relish closer access to this delight, and see current events as hope that finally the world power, America can drop their petty dispute with the undisputed masters of the art of cigar rolling, learn to correctly tax one of this planet’s only true natural resources, and earn a booth in the galactic flea market of commerce.

Purchase a deed in the noble district of Atlantis to help further the cause of cheaper prices and greater accessibility. Property owners, having voice and commerce with the Zeta-Reticulans currently find greater access to this apex of human accomplishment.

Joe King

Today another relic of the dinosaur ages has shuffled off the world stage of politics. Fidel Castro has officially passed the baton to his little brother, making him the rightful ruler of Cuba, because Fidel says so. Lil’ Bro has said that he will loosen some of the tight government grip and bring about some token reforms, and hasn’t been too specific about when any of this might actually happen. My guess is that it will be the next rightful ruler (appointed by Lil’ Bro) who will institute these reforms shortly after Lil’ Bro dies, in order to carry on his lenient legacy.

However, for a long time Cuba was the lone communist fish in the big western pond, which, of course, had a way of drawing Uncle Sam’s undivided attention. Now, what with “Fat Hugo” Chavez and other blowhard communist tyrants appearing on the scene, there is more for Uncle Sam to worry about in his own back yard, which sort of draws his attention away from poor little isolated Cuba.

Oh, and then there are the terrorists. These creatures apparently hail from places so indescribably vile that they have no redeeming value whatsoever. Their governments are so oppressive and proudly clueless that when compared to enduring life under one of these hellish regimes, blowing oneself up with primitive chemical explosives seems a cheery alternative! They also have rules for this; if you maim or slay bystanders who are not part of the game you’re playing you get extra points. Taking out a popular nightspot, rapid transit system or public works building also adds additional points on a sliding scale, maxing out at government offices and religious edifices. Once the terrorist has completed their game turn and cashed in their chips, the rulers of the indescribably vile wastelands from which they hailed tally up these points. They then give real money to the family and next-of-kin of the terrorist, apparently based on how many points they racked up during their first and simultaneously, last round of play!

With Darwin Award winners like this to deal with, Uncle Sam has way better things to do than worry about Lil’ Bro and his Cuban communist reforms. You also have Vlad (the impaler) Putin trying to reform his crumbled socialist empire, your friendly enemies the Chinese, that Osama guy lurking somewhere (if he hasn’t been eaten by a yeti) and the vertically challenged tyrant of North Korea, Lil’ Kim, to worry about.

Will these new threats reform the broken Axis of Evil? Will it be a Soviet Satellite State reunion? Will it be the Asian League? Will it be Fat Hugo, Lil’ Kim and Lil’ Bro? Only time will tell, but at least one thing is certain: Cuba will continue to control 100% of the world’s Cuban cigar production. Until this unfair monopolizing of the worlds natural resources is curtailed, mankind will never realize one of it’s oldest and dearest dreams; cheap, readily available Cuban cigars! Until this grand vision is realized humankind will still fall a step short of true civilization, and will never be allowed to even know about, much less be invited to join, the Galactic Assembly of Worlds. Older civilizations will continue to view Earth’s civilization as primitive, unworthy of much interest, galactic fly-over country, and still at the “trailer park resident” stage of development. These older civilizations get the bulk of their information by watching GSN (the Galactic Satellite Network) which carries all the satellite broadcasts originating from Earth, no matter how idiotic (including reruns of I Love Lucy, Gilligan’s Isle, the Beverly Hillbillies and the Dukes of Hazard). GSN also broadcasts “the Earth” channel, (similar to your own “Animal Planet” channel) which is filmed mostly by autonomous camera probes and narrated in Zeta Reticulan on its parent broadcasting system, ZRN (the Zeta-Reticulan network). ZRN’s motto is: We see all that you’re doing, so watch what you’re doing…..with us! This is ZRN.

If you ever resolve this “Cuban Cigar Crisis” you can bet the GAW will be contacting you and will lift their trade embargo with planet Earth!
Hugh Mann

Valentines Day. I don’t get it. What’s the point of telling someone you love them once a year? If that’s all the more often you tell them that you love them, you probably don’t love them very much. If you want to tell someone you love them, you don’t need some bossy holiday coming up like a bully, telling you when to do it, and forcing you to fork over some extra cash as well. And how did an obese winged infant brandishing a bow & arrow become the symbol of this bully? Is this the villain’s actual appearance? The Valentine’s bully-baby is obviously sexist, since it only bullies the men and commands them to lavish gifts on the ladies or risk their venomous wrath Apparently, this fascist, flying fart’s bow fires magical arrows that cause the woman struck by them to wreak a terrible doom upon the man who has failed to provide a properly grand appeasement gift by the appointed date. Also, the flying fat kid has a large number of chocolate, floral, greeting card and jewelry businesses that act as the collections branch of his extortionist empire.

You would think that men would attempt to shake off these shackles and break the chains of oppression that bind them by doing battle with the little flying creep, but it seems he’s too small for a stinger missile to hit, and too fast for an expert skeet-shooter to take him down with a well-placed shotgun blast. No one seems to know where he lives either, which pretty much rules out assassination attempts using explosives or poison as viable options. No, I’m afraid men are stuck toadying to the whims of this bossy, bloated gangster brat for the rest of their miserable, oppressed existences.

The only Atlantean holiday with any similarity whatsoever to your V.D. (Valentine’s Day) holiday, is our two-week long annual festival called “The Spawning Run” which is held in combination with a mass vacation to an immense luxury resort called “The Mating Grounds”. If you air-breathers want to tell someone you love them, go ahead, but don’t let that fluttering fat-assed jerk tell you when to do it! This may be the only way to defeat the floating blubber-bully and break the chains of this tyranny!

Hugh Mann

According to some unknown form of prognostication, by official estimates as few as less than 1% to as many as 5% of Americans are gay. I would judge the actual number to be far higher. What is my evidence for this? The vast number of men who apparently enjoy watching other athletic, sweaty, men chasing balls around or diving on each other in big piles, with, again, a ball as an excuse. In football, they don’t even need a ball as a pretext for wrestling each other to the ground. The linemen get to do that all the time. They grab each others tushies on the sideline too; this is thinly disguised as a slap, in most cases. When the team “scores” they do even more hugging and ass-grabbing, which they pretend is victorious jubilation.

And don’t even get me started about the totally gay names for the positions the team members play. You’ve got “special team players”, “fullbacks”, “tight ends”, “wide receivers”, the innuendo goes on and on. Yep, football; totally gay. Other team sports hide their gayness better, but qualify nonetheless. Now don’t give me any malarkey about these sports being ritualized warfare, each team representing an army and battling to capture enemy territory. If humans hadn’t grown past the stage of development where they enjoyed cruelty and harming one another as entertainment, they would still be watching gladiatorial combats, or jousting! Ah, jousting, now there’s a sport! No butt-grabbing in that sport. BRING BACK JOUSTING!!

So, no, I don’t believe that the majority of humans are so primitive that they actually revel in ritualized violence which glorifies the inherent concept of naked, ruthless aggression and needless cruelty all for the sake of “scoring points”, taking land and the self-gratification of a vicarious victory. I want to believe that humans have grown past that, which is why I believe that most supposedly heterosexual men just enjoy watching muscular, sweaty guys running around and grabbing each other while they lounge about, feast and get drunk. Yep, modern team sports; totally gay! If I’m wrong, why did they cancel the only non-gay sport this year? That’s right, there was no lingerie bowl on pay-per-view T.V. this year! So what else can I say? BRING BACK JOUSTING!!

Elections? I don’t get it. We lived in a sovereign kingdom ruled by an all-powerful God-king, in office for life. Considering, our ruler is immortal, that could be quite a long time. Furthermore, all lesser offices are appointed by our ruler, and are filled with his friends and relatives.

All the applicants for the position you refer to as president ( what is this, a country or a bank?) whatever gender or race they may be, all share one common attribute; inexperience! None are even one century old and certainly have little grasp of the current geo-political situation or the proper use of tyranny and taxation in governance.

They all claim you live in a free country, when, in reality, anyone with an I.Q. higher than a spiny sea urchin can tell you that it’s actually quite expensive to live in your country! The current leader seeks to install free democracies in other counties, when you don’t even have one in your home country (it’s actually an expensive republic). Considering the youth, ignorance and inexperience of your potential leaders, it’s a good thing for you that their advisors who are appointed by the Skull and Bones Society, the Illuminati and the Bilderburgers are actually calling all the shots and making all the decisions for them or you would be in even deeper do-do than you already are!

By the time they start having any grasp of what’s going n they are forced out of office by something called “term limits” which insures a new ignorant and easily controllable pawn will soon succeed them. You go through leaders like a victim of dysentery goes through toilet paper. Fortunately, the ignorant common masses have been fooled into believing that their vote for president actually counts and are blissfully unaware that a secret cabal of the Illuminati’s henchman known as the “electoral college” actually chooses the next president, or Poseidon knows what kind of dunder-headed bumpkins you would actually have in office! Thankfully, there are only a few hundred of these individuals, making coercion and bribery a far simpler task than convincing the ignorant masses to vote for the Illuminati’s favored cats paw could ever be.

As for ‘freedom”, you are free to spend your hard-earned money on bills, consumer goods and taxes. You have the freedom to go on vacations (provided you can afford it and get time off from work) and to travel to wherever your country allows you to go. Sure, you no longer have any right to privacy or to free speech without worrying about losing you job, being sued or jailed, but these freedoms are unnecessary to the perpetuation of the government which rules over you, and they have been working tirelessly to nullify these anarchy enhancing “rights” for decades in order to insure your safety.

So don’t worry about who may win the “election” and ascend to the position of “leader of the free world”; the secret New World Order which controls them will continue to force these officials to become their toadies and will continue to further their secular, amoral agenda. It would seem to me that all this trickery and subterfuge are unnecessary for governance, but what the hell do I know; I’m from Atlantis. God bless America, the leader of the free world and shining example to all!
–Hugh Mann