So what causes global warming? Who cares. Asking that question is like standing around watching your house burning down and arguing with your roommate about who left the stove on. What you should be doing is putting the fire out and worry about assigning blame later, assuming you manage to save anything and still have a place left to live when the ashes settle!

There are two possibilities here, the first is that global warming is natural, and this has, in fact, occurred more than once in the past. The second is that it was caused by humans putting lots of carbon dioxide into the atmosphere for the last couple centuries since the industrial revolution began. If it was the Earth and nature, you can blame the Earth and chastise naughty mother nature until the cows come home, but they won’t listen to you and don’t give a rats ass what you may think about the natural course of events and Earth cycles. If, on the other hand, it was human caused, The industrialized nations and by extension the entire human race are to blame. So what are you going to do; put the whole human race in jail for their witless trashing of the atmosphere? Are you going to dig up the moldering corpses of those barons of industry who started the whole thing a couple of hundred years ago and put them in jail? Perhaps their descendants should be held liable and made to pay for the cleanup, as well as the oil companies and oil rich nations whose greed and stupidity caused the problem and help to perpetuate it to this moment?

Clearly, assigning blame, though fun, does nothing to solve the problem. Seizing the assets of, and putting the fat cats who made billions of dollars (at the expense of the Earth and all its inhabitant) to death on the impalement stake and broadcasting it on pay-per-view television could be one option. One could then spend the accruing funds to clean up the atmosphere. It would make many people feel that justice had finally been served to these Earth-raping scumlords, but even this would still fall short of solving the problem.

Also, the truth about greenhouse gases point to the fact that  methane is many times worse than carbon dioxide as a heat trapping agent. Cars aren’t producing it and the frozen methane trapped at the bottom of the ocean (methane hydrate) has not yet reached a temperature high enough to cause it’s release. In fact it seems that the majority of methane being released into the atmosphere has a simple, well documented cause. It comes from cattle. The Earth has never in recorded history been the home of more bovines than now. These cud-chewing burger factory’s produce tremendous amounts of methane gas courtesy of their four stomachs and cellulose-dissolving digestive tracts, which are then released as flatulence. Cow farts are the culprit that currently threaten the atmosphere, and by extension, all life on earth!

There are two easy ways to deal with this problem. The first is to eat more burgers and steak at a rate that outstrips the ranchers ability to breed and replace the cattle, thus reducing their numbers. The drawback to this approach is that ranchers are likely to increase breeding to keep up with demand and deforest more land for the cattle to graze upon. The second approach is somewhat more high-tech, but the bugs could be worked out with a little brainpower and research. This solution is to stop the methane from being released into the atmosphere in the first place. No, I’m not talking about bovine butt-plugs, since cows need to take a dump on a regular (and unscheduleable) basis. I propose a system of mobile methane collectors! These CFCU’S (cow fart collection units) would resemble a scuba tank- like apparatus strapped to the cows back with a funnel and tube attached to the base of the cows tail. When the bovine brapps, a methane sensor activates a simple vacuum pump which draws the cow fart into the CFCU and stores it. When the tank is full, or at regular intervals, such as when the cow comes to a feed lot, the tank is attached by a simple tube at its release valve, and the stinky contents are siphoned off to a CCFCU (central cow fart collection unit). Again, when this tank is full, or at regular intervals, a CFCT (cow fart collection truck) rolls up to the ranch and hauls away its payload of natural gas to be sent to market as a clean-burning non-fossil fuel.

Dairy cattle could be even easier to outfit, since they don’t wander around and a dome and suction system could be installed over the barn. And cows, like all animals except humans, are lactose-intolerant once they reach adulthood. mix old, spoiled, spilled or curdled milk in with their feed to create an even larger harvest of natural gas;  a bovine butt-blast bonanza!

Ultimately, the one way to stop cow fart production immediately is to purchase land and not allow any cattle ranching to occur on it. One area that you may be absolutely, 100% certain that this will never occur, is within the city limits of Atlantis! So stop the cow fart catastrophe now and buy an acre or more of land in Atlantis!

Hugh Mann

This financial crisis is NOT that hard to understand.  Although Ben Bernake, and Hank Paulson would love for you to believe that only someone of their intelligence can understand and/or fix this disaster, it is not true.  Understanding this crisis is simple.  Bankers have squandered their fortunes, and now, with a stick up their collectivce ass(ets), they are unwilling to lend what little cash they have left to the rest of us (who did not cause this disaster).

Our economy is built on credit, and without credit the manufacturing sector, the transportation sector, the energy sector will be unable to borrow.  When they can’t borrow, they can’t continue to do business.  They cut payroll and jobs are lost.  But its not the manufacturing, transportation or energy sectors that caused this mess, it was BANKERS, fancy pinstripe-wearing prancing pansies that they are.

Teach them the ultimate lesson.  Let them know what will happen in the future should they screw up so royally again.  I gaurantee, with the loss of one in ten, the remaining ninety percent will quickly learn to make better decisions.  They’ll make decisions like their lives depend on it, and it WILL.

In the meantime, all of us are morally bound to keep the economy rolling.  You must spend what capital you have remaining.  You must continue to invest.  And there is no better invesment than real estate, specifically property in Atlantis.  Buy your deed here.

You would think that men would attempt to shake off these shackles and break the chains of oppression that bind them by doing battle with the little flying creep, but it seems he’s too small for a stinger missile to hit, and too fast for an expert skeet-shooter to take him down with a well-placed shotgun blast. No one seems to know where he lives either, which pretty much rules out assassination attempts using explosives or poison as viable options. No, I’m afraid men are stuck toadying to the whims of this bossy, bloated gangster brat for the rest of their miserable, oppressed existences.

The only Atlantean holiday with any similarity whatsoever to your V.D. (Valentine’s Day) holiday, is our two-week long annual festival called “The Spawning Run” which is held in combination with a mass vacation to an immense luxury resort called “The Mating Grounds”. If you air-breathers want to tell someone you love them, go ahead, but don’t let that fluttering fat-assed jerk tell you when to do it! This may be the only way to defeat the floating blubber-bully and break the chains of this tyranny!

Hugh Mann

And don’t even get me started about the totally gay names for the positions the team members play. You’ve got “special team players”, “fullbacks”, “tight ends”, “wide receivers”, the innuendo goes on and on. Yep, football; totally gay. Other team sports hide their gayness better, but qualify nonetheless. Now don’t give me any malarkey about these sports being ritualized warfare, each team representing an army and battling to capture enemy territory. If humans hadn’t grown past the stage of development where they enjoyed cruelty and harming one another as entertainment, they would still be watching gladiatorial combats, or jousting! Ah, jousting, now there’s a sport! No butt-grabbing in that sport. BRING BACK JOUSTING!!

So, no, I don’t believe that the majority of humans are so primitive that they actually revel in ritualized violence which glorifies the inherent concept of naked, ruthless aggression and needless cruelty all for the sake of “scoring points”, taking land and the self-gratification of a vicarious victory. I want to believe that humans have grown past that, which is why I believe that most supposedly heterosexual men just enjoy watching muscular, sweaty guys running around and grabbing each other while they lounge about, feast and get drunk. Yep, modern team sports; totally gay! If I’m wrong, why did they cancel the only non-gay sport this year? That’s right, there was no lingerie bowl on pay-per-view T.V. this year! So what else can I say? BRING BACK JOUSTING!!