With the recent promotion of Lil’ Bro to the head of the Cuban government, and the mere mention of reforms and improved relations, the time is ripe to import one of the few penultimate accomplishments of human civilization, the Cuban Cigar.

Since the Earth’s air breathers will surely never end the monopoly that Cuba continues to hold in production of this triumph of human ingenuity, it is time to open up all global markets to their intoxicating perfume, enticing taste and phallic connotations. I urge the Democratic party to act NOW! Open markets should be their pledge to the American Air Breathers. Should they fail to act with haste, they could end up choosing their candidate in a talentless American Idol competition in an environment dowsed with lower quality products, and therefore make a lower quality decision.

Further benefits to the entirety of surface dweller civilization will surely follow immediately, as the Zeta Reticulans will increase their presence and create a huge influx of galactic products. As active trade partners, Zeta Reticulans have within their powers to end the galactic embargo placed upon the surface dwellers because of America’s claims to be ‘The Global Superpower’. These claims have only served to languish the planet outside of galactic commerce with all its rights and privileges. America must step up and fulfill its own propaganda by making Cuban Cigars available to advanced civilization outside the tiny Milky Way. As an outpost on a lightly traveled trade route, this planet needs to maximize its attractiveness to willing trade partners. Free the Cuban Cigar from this embargo now.

Revisit your decision to purchase a deed to Atlantis. Your purchase will further extend the promise of membership in the inter-galactic community, and bring the benefits of inter-stellar trade closer to fruition.

Joe King

End the Galactic Embargo Now!

My guess is that the world power, America never considered the fallout that would occur if the Zeta-Reticulans believed their bold propaganda. Big on bravado, but short on Cuban Cigars they have boasted their power to the wrong consumer. The Zeta-Reticulans only partake in the finest indulgences in the galaxy. Without ready access to Cuban cigars, the superpower, America has doomed the planet’s air breathers to galactic ostracism.

Now, perhaps, the world power America will use this as an excuse to breach the peace with its tiny (but evil) neighbor and solve this consumer nightmare. Perhaps there is hope! That even though Cuba will surely continue to monopolize the entire planet’s production of Cuban cigars, they could become more available in the superpower, America.

I tire of the repeated, but necessary trips into the icy kingdom north of the superpower, America. Canada offers ready availability to the penultimate accomplishment of human civilization, the Cuban Cigar. I would relish closer access to this delight, and see current events as hope that finally the world power, America can drop their petty dispute with the undisputed masters of the art of cigar rolling, learn to correctly tax one of this planet’s only true natural resources, and earn a booth in the galactic flea market of commerce.

Purchase a deed in the noble district of Atlantis to help further the cause of cheaper prices and greater accessibility. Property owners, having voice and commerce with the Zeta-Reticulans currently find greater access to this apex of human accomplishment.

Joe King

However, for a long time Cuba was the lone communist fish in the big western pond, which, of course, had a way of drawing Uncle Sam’s undivided attention. Now, what with “Fat Hugo” Chavez and other blowhard communist tyrants appearing on the scene, there is more for Uncle Sam to worry about in his own back yard, which sort of draws his attention away from poor little isolated Cuba.

Oh, and then there are the terrorists. These creatures apparently hail from places so indescribably vile that they have no redeeming value whatsoever. Their governments are so oppressive and proudly clueless that when compared to enduring life under one of these hellish regimes, blowing oneself up with primitive chemical explosives seems a cheery alternative! They also have rules for this; if you maim or slay bystanders who are not part of the game you’re playing you get extra points. Taking out a popular nightspot, rapid transit system or public works building also adds additional points on a sliding scale, maxing out at government offices and religious edifices. Once the terrorist has completed their game turn and cashed in their chips, the rulers of the indescribably vile wastelands from which they hailed tally up these points. They then give real money to the family and next-of-kin of the terrorist, apparently based on how many points they racked up during their first and simultaneously, last round of play!

With Darwin Award winners like this to deal with, Uncle Sam has way better things to do than worry about Lil’ Bro and his Cuban communist reforms. You also have Vlad (the impaler) Putin trying to reform his crumbled socialist empire, your friendly enemies the Chinese, that Osama guy lurking somewhere (if he hasn’t been eaten by a yeti) and the vertically challenged tyrant of North Korea, Lil’ Kim, to worry about.

Will these new threats reform the broken Axis of Evil? Will it be a Soviet Satellite State reunion? Will it be the Asian League? Will it be Fat Hugo, Lil’ Kim and Lil’ Bro? Only time will tell, but at least one thing is certain: Cuba will continue to control 100% of the world’s Cuban cigar production. Until this unfair monopolizing of the worlds natural resources is curtailed, mankind will never realize one of it’s oldest and dearest dreams; cheap, readily available Cuban cigars! Until this grand vision is realized humankind will still fall a step short of true civilization, and will never be allowed to even know about, much less be invited to join, the Galactic Assembly of Worlds. Older civilizations will continue to view Earth’s civilization as primitive, unworthy of much interest, galactic fly-over country, and still at the “trailer park resident” stage of development. These older civilizations get the bulk of their information by watching GSN (the Galactic Satellite Network) which carries all the satellite broadcasts originating from Earth, no matter how idiotic (including reruns of I Love Lucy, Gilligan’s Isle, the Beverly Hillbillies and the Dukes of Hazard). GSN also broadcasts “the Earth” channel, (similar to your own “Animal Planet” channel) which is filmed mostly by autonomous camera probes and narrated in Zeta Reticulan on its parent broadcasting system, ZRN (the Zeta-Reticulan network). ZRN’s motto is: We see all that you’re doing, so watch what you’re doing…..with us! This is ZRN.

If you ever resolve this “Cuban Cigar Crisis” you can bet the GAW will be contacting you and will lift their trade embargo with planet Earth!
Hugh Mann