The Men from Atlantis Communiqués

Now that the holiday season is upon us it behooves those of us who partake in the holiday spirit(s) to remember that the forces of oppression are just waiting to make your life a living hell should you choose to flout their rules. Always remember the primary rule of partying-SAFETY FIRST! Now as to what the other rules are, I have had numerous suggestions as to what the other universal rules might be. The most abbreviated version I can offer, since no two sources seem to agree, is to give you Brucifers three primary rules of drinking. In order of importance, these are:

1. Never call your ex when you are drunk.
2. Never drive when you have been drinking.
3. Never say “Oh yeah, what are you going to do about it?” when you are at a biker bar.

Many severe and possibly painful repercussions may be avoided if these rules are scrupulously adhered to. If you are feeling entirely too altruistic for your own good, you may elect to forget about rule two, and be prepared to make several large donations to your local government, lawyer, law enforcement, incarceration and probation agencies. All of these groups are looking forward to taking your money away, but on the positive side, this extra infusion of cash into the local market will help to shore up your sagging economy. As a side benefit, they will more than likely take away your right to drive, and this will help you to do your part to curtail the emission of fossil fuels into the atmosphere and cut down on global warming.

So all things considered, drinking and driving should be considered as not only patriotic, but also environmentally sound and “green”.

The breaking of rule number one could be considerably more painful, since several unappealing outcomes are real possibilities. The first, and least painful, is that you reach the wrong person due to your extreme intoxication and having dialed the wrong number. Possible outcomes here range from giggling to a sudden click sound followed by a dial tone to the voice of one of your friends saying ” You dialed the wrong number again you moron. Now stop trying to call your ex!” Now in the unlikely event that you are so impaired that calling your ex seems to be a good idea but you actually dial the right number (more than likely because you talk a less-intoxicated friend into dialing for you) even less appealing outcomes await you. One is the sound of your ex’s voice laughing right before the click and dial tone sounds. Another is that your ex chooses that moment to remind you of the restraining order against you and letting you know that the police are on their way to your locale. Yet another is the sound of their current boyfriends voice telling you that he is on his way to your house to disembowel you with a dull putty knife or to beat you into paste with a baseball bat.

Now rule number three should be fairly obvious, but if you already ignored rule one, you may be retarded enough to also ignore rule number two and find yourself at a nearby biker bar in order to avoid the police and/or enraged boyfriend currently on their way to your home. Although you may feel dispirited, depressed or angry because of this turn of events which your drunken stupidity has unfairly visited upon you, under no circumstances should you hit on the really hot biker chick next to you while her boyfriend is using the restroom. Remember: he will come back out eventually, and you can just bet that she will not take kindly to your slobbering, slurring, groping or possibly throwing up on her leather jacket. Assuming she doesn’t just call a bouncer to her aid and actually waits for her seven foot, three hundred fifty pound surly boyfriend to reemerge from the john, you can then look forward to him telling you to get lost or suffer the consequences, assuming he doesn’t just automatically attack. Under no circumstances should you then utter the phrase which must not be spoken! If you do it is entirely likely that he will be using your face for a speed bag right after the “Oh yeah…” part of the phrase has left your lips. If not, the bouncers will do his job for him. It could also be that they will all escort you to the parking lot for a team stomp, and God help you if you are so drunk that you didn’t recognize that the hot biker chick you have just made a pass at IS your ex and the her giant biker boyfriend has his dull putty knife and baseball bat with him and that he is an off-duty cop, as are his friends who work part-time at this bar as bouncers!

So, for your own sake, always follow the three rules of drinking, and if you want to do something fun that more than likely won’t get you into trouble, stay home and surf the internet! If that’s what you are already doing, it will be even more fun and painless to buy a deed to property in Atlantis! If you are a real adrenaline junkie or thrill-seeker, you can buy a deed to two or even three acres of property! Have a safe and happy holiday!

Hugh Mann,