The Men from Atlantis Communiqués

Today another relic of the dinosaur ages has shuffled off the world stage of politics. Fidel Castro has officially passed the baton to his little brother, making him the rightful ruler of Cuba, because Fidel says so. Lil’ Bro has said that he will loosen some of the tight government grip and bring about some token reforms, and hasn’t been too specific about when any of this might actually happen. My guess is that it will be the next rightful ruler (appointed by Lil’ Bro) who will institute these reforms shortly after Lil’ Bro dies, in order to carry on his lenient legacy.

However, for a long time Cuba was the lone communist fish in the big western pond, which, of course, had a way of drawing Uncle Sam’s undivided attention. Now, what with “Fat Hugo” Chavez and other blowhard communist tyrants appearing on the scene, there is more for Uncle Sam to worry about in his own back yard, which sort of draws his attention away from poor little isolated Cuba.

Oh, and then there are the terrorists. These creatures apparently hail from places so indescribably vile that they have no redeeming value whatsoever. Their governments are so oppressive and proudly clueless that when compared to enduring life under one of these hellish regimes, blowing oneself up with primitive chemical explosives seems a cheery alternative! They also have rules for this; if you maim or slay bystanders who are not part of the game you’re playing you get extra points. Taking out a popular nightspot, rapid transit system or public works building also adds additional points on a sliding scale, maxing out at government offices and religious edifices. Once the terrorist has completed their game turn and cashed in their chips, the rulers of the indescribably vile wastelands from which they hailed tally up these points. They then give real money to the family and next-of-kin of the terrorist, apparently based on how many points they racked up during their first and simultaneously, last round of play!

With Darwin Award winners like this to deal with, Uncle Sam has way better things to do than worry about Lil’ Bro and his Cuban communist reforms. You also have Vlad (the impaler) Putin trying to reform his crumbled socialist empire, your friendly enemies the Chinese, that Osama guy lurking somewhere (if he hasn’t been eaten by a yeti) and the vertically challenged tyrant of North Korea, Lil’ Kim, to worry about.

Will these new threats reform the broken Axis of Evil? Will it be a Soviet Satellite State reunion? Will it be the Asian League? Will it be Fat Hugo, Lil’ Kim and Lil’ Bro? Only time will tell, but at least one thing is certain: Cuba will continue to control 100% of the world’s Cuban cigar production. Until this unfair monopolizing of the worlds natural resources is curtailed, mankind will never realize one of it’s oldest and dearest dreams; cheap, readily available Cuban cigars! Until this grand vision is realized humankind will still fall a step short of true civilization, and will never be allowed to even know about, much less be invited to join, the Galactic Assembly of Worlds. Older civilizations will continue to view Earth’s civilization as primitive, unworthy of much interest, galactic fly-over country, and still at the “trailer park resident” stage of development. These older civilizations get the bulk of their information by watching GSN (the Galactic Satellite Network) which carries all the satellite broadcasts originating from Earth, no matter how idiotic (including reruns of I Love Lucy, Gilligan’s Isle, the Beverly Hillbillies and the Dukes of Hazard). GSN also broadcasts “the Earth” channel, (similar to your own “Animal Planet” channel) which is filmed mostly by autonomous camera probes and narrated in Zeta Reticulan on its parent broadcasting system, ZRN (the Zeta-Reticulan network). ZRN’s motto is: We see all that you’re doing, so watch what you’re doing…..with us! This is ZRN.

If you ever resolve this “Cuban Cigar Crisis” you can bet the GAW will be contacting you and will lift their trade embargo with planet Earth!
Hugh Mann