The Men from Atlantis Communiqués

Valentines Day. I don’t get it. What’s the point of telling someone you love them once a year? If that’s all the more often you tell them that you love them, you probably don’t love them very much. If you want to tell someone you love them, you don’t need some bossy holiday coming up like a bully, telling you when to do it, and forcing you to fork over some extra cash as well. And how did an obese winged infant brandishing a bow & arrow become the symbol of this bully? Is this the villain’s actual appearance? The Valentine’s bully-baby is obviously sexist, since it only bullies the men and commands them to lavish gifts on the ladies or risk their venomous wrath Apparently, this fascist, flying fart’s bow fires magical arrows that cause the woman struck by them to wreak a terrible doom upon the man who has failed to provide a properly grand appeasement gift by the appointed date. Also, the flying fat kid has a large number of chocolate, floral, greeting card and jewelry businesses that act as the collections branch of his extortionist empire.

You would think that men would attempt to shake off these shackles and break the chains of oppression that bind them by doing battle with the little flying creep, but it seems he’s too small for a stinger missile to hit, and too fast for an expert skeet-shooter to take him down with a well-placed shotgun blast. No one seems to know where he lives either, which pretty much rules out assassination attempts using explosives or poison as viable options. No, I’m afraid men are stuck toadying to the whims of this bossy, bloated gangster brat for the rest of their miserable, oppressed existences.

The only Atlantean holiday with any similarity whatsoever to your V.D. (Valentine’s Day) holiday, is our two-week long annual festival called “The Spawning Run” which is held in combination with a mass vacation to an immense luxury resort called “The Mating Grounds”. If you air-breathers want to tell someone you love them, go ahead, but don’t let that fluttering fat-assed jerk tell you when to do it! This may be the only way to defeat the floating blubber-bully and break the chains of this tyranny!

Hugh Mann