The Men from Atlantis Communiqués

According to some unknown form of prognostication, by official estimates as few as less than 1% to as many as 5% of Americans are gay. I would judge the actual number to be far higher. What is my evidence for this? The vast number of men who apparently enjoy watching other athletic, sweaty, men chasing balls around or diving on each other in big piles, with, again, a ball as an excuse. In football, they don’t even need a ball as a pretext for wrestling each other to the ground. The linemen get to do that all the time. They grab each others tushies on the sideline too; this is thinly disguised as a slap, in most cases. When the team “scores” they do even more hugging and ass-grabbing, which they pretend is victorious jubilation.

And don’t even get me started about the totally gay names for the positions the team members play. You’ve got “special team players”, “fullbacks”, “tight ends”, “wide receivers”, the innuendo goes on and on. Yep, football; totally gay. Other team sports hide their gayness better, but qualify nonetheless. Now don’t give me any malarkey about these sports being ritualized warfare, each team representing an army and battling to capture enemy territory. If humans hadn’t grown past the stage of development where they enjoyed cruelty and harming one another as entertainment, they would still be watching gladiatorial combats, or jousting! Ah, jousting, now there’s a sport! No butt-grabbing in that sport. BRING BACK JOUSTING!!

So, no, I don’t believe that the majority of humans are so primitive that they actually revel in ritualized violence which glorifies the inherent concept of naked, ruthless aggression and needless cruelty all for the sake of “scoring points”, taking land and the self-gratification of a vicarious victory. I want to believe that humans have grown past that, which is why I believe that most supposedly heterosexual men just enjoy watching muscular, sweaty guys running around and grabbing each other while they lounge about, feast and get drunk. Yep, modern team sports; totally gay! If I’m wrong, why did they cancel the only non-gay sport this year? That’s right, there was no lingerie bowl on pay-per-view T.V. this year! So what else can I say? BRING BACK JOUSTING!!