Buy Property in the Fabled City of Atlantis
EXCLUSIVE! One Acre in the Noble District
Own property in the Legendary City of Atlantis
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Actual ownership of the above mentioned one acre of seafloor property and whatever seamonsters, ship wrecks or toppled crumbling aquatic ruins lie upon it is entirely contingent on the aforesaid new owner actually setting foot on the property. The deed owner must plant a flag with their own personal crest or device imprinted, embroidered or painted upon it, on that property.
1. The deed implies no mineral rights of the property. Nor does the deed allow use of the property for dumping or storage of any kind. Disturbing the seafloor is expressly prohibited.
2. The deed conveys no ownership of water above the property or any ordinary sea creatures moving across it, dwelling upon it, or living above it.
3. No aquatic farming or seafloor cultivation is permited within or above the confines of the one acre of property specified on and in the deed, as all acreage currently being sold is located in the noble district and is zoned residential.
1. Installing new enclosures, buildings, structures or statuary as well as improving, remodeling, building additions or refurbishing the property requires the consideration and approval of the landholders request by the Office of Pointless Licensing (a department of the Treasury) conveniently located in beautiful downtown Atlantis.
1. The holder of the deed may only sell or transfer the deed after re-filing of the necessary papers at the Palace (conveniently located in beautiful downtown Atlantis) and the payment of an additional fee to the “people” from whom the deed was originally acquired. Alternately, the deed holder may tender a far more exorbitant fee by filing and paying, in person, at the Office of Bottom Feeders and Money-Grubbers (a division of the Treasury) conveniently located in beautiful downtown Atlantis.
1. Nuisance behavior by the property owner may be punishable by local laws or ordinances, including, but not limited to, felony intrusion (an act committed by any surface dweller entering the premises of the city of Atlantis) and turbulence (a gross misdemeanor) committed by any craft traveling within thirty fathoms above Atlantis. Both are punishable by certain unpalatable methods ranging from a simple flogging with electric eels, to swordfish impalement and up to and including becoming one half of the headline bout of the local monthly pay-per-view broadcast of ‘Atlantean Death Match’ versus a starving a sea dragon or a hung-over Krakken, in a worst case scenario.
2. The deed holder is therefore discouraged from visiting their property in person, as said act is definitely hazardous and could prove fatal. In fact, attempting to visit this property in person could be construed as a certain sign of insanity, rendering any subsequent fatalities resulting from the visit as an act of suicide. It should therefore be noted that the seller of the deed warns the deeds buyer against personally visiting their property in the sternest and most sincere fashion. Please reconsider and ponder the brevity of life before embarking on a visit to the one acre of property specified by, and on, the deed.
1. Should the deed holder ignore all warnings, discard all caution, become deaf to the pleas of their loved ones (if any), take leave of their senses, become lost, wander off, go snorkeling, or lose their sense of direction and their compass while taking a leisurely deep sea hard suit stroll or dive on a submarine cruise, they have been hereby thoroughly warned of any and all dire consequences resulting from this visit, and the deed seller assumes no liability for any destruction of property or personal injury including maiming, mangling, shredding, poisoning, vivisection, implosion, crushing, or other forms of hideous ghastly death suffered by the deed holder should they attempt, or worse yet, actually succeed, in visiting their one acre of property.
2. Deeds held by deed holders who perish while attempting to visit their property automatically cede title and ownership back to the sovereign kingdom of Atlantis; specifically, its representatives Joe King and Hugh Mann. Any heirs or assignees of the deed holder may have the deed transferred to them free of charge, provided they are already citizens of Atlantis; if this is not the case the deed may still be transferred, provided the proper paperwork is filed and fees are paid (see Section I, above) before deed is transferred.
1. Any treasure, booty, lost payrolls, jewels, gems, coins, gold ingots, devices of the ancients, magic wands or staffs, crashed and sunken extraterrestrial craft, sea monster remains, wrecked Spanish galleons, scuttled u-boats, live sea monsters, crumbling ruins (whether toppled, toppling, or relatively intact), Russian submarines (both diesel/electric and nuclear), squadrons of missing aircraft, lost cargo ships, petrified coral forests, Greek triremes, military craft of any sort, pirate schooners, sedimentary layers of whale manure thick with giant tubeworms, or part of the mudguard serpent, become the deed holder’s property provided it is
a. located on the property specified in and on the deed when the deed holder makes a personal appearance (which, as previously stated, should probably and hopefully be never)
b. that the deed holder plants a flag with their personal device or crest displayed on it.
2. The above listed is taxable on an annual basis, and requires a yearly payment to the Office of Property and Possession Licensing (a division of the Treasury) conveniently located in beautiful downtown Atlantis.
3. All items which become the deed holders property also become the deed holders responsibility for the potential upkeep, preservation, and or feeding costs. Wondering sea monsters which stray from the successful claimants property could become a serious legal issue, as the successful property claimant will be legally liable for any homes it destroys or Atlantean citizens it squashes, slays or devours during its romp.
4. Licensing and leash laws also apply to such situations, and many additional fines could be levied against a successful property claimant who is negligent in this regard. Licensing of sea monsters, gargantuan mollusks, primeval blobs, or gigantic aquatic reptiles dwelling upon or above ones property maybe completed and legally filed by visiting the office of Unfortunate and Unwanted Mega-pets; and filing the paperwork on the lower floor, at the office of Additional Fees and Tariffs. Both offices are located at the Bureau of Blood-sucking Bottomdwellers, a squat and ugly black building to the southeast of the Treasury. Both of these offices are, perhaps not surprisingly, divisions of the Treasury, and the squat black stone building known as the Bureau of Blood-sucking Bottomdwellers which contains these offices may be found conveniently located in beautiful downtown Atlantis.
5. Seeping drums of nuclear waste, faulty nuclear reactors, leaking fuel tanks or batteries, decaying casks or rum, or fields of whale manure located on sloping terrain where flowing or seepage could be an issue are also the responsibility of the successful property claimant, as is the cost of the containment or cleanup if such is required.
6. It will be necessary to inform the government of any of these substances, their quantities, condition, and system and status of containment. The paperwork for this is available at the Department of Noxious Ick and the paperwork may be filed (for an additional fee) across the hall at the Office of Toxic Taxations. These may be found on the third floor of the Parasite Towers Building near the law offices of Leech, Leech, and Lamprey which occupy most of the rear parts of that floor. The Parasite Towers is conveniently located in beautiful downtown Atlantis. Additionally the “people” from whom the deed was originally acquired hereby assume absolutely no liability for astronomically high additional fees, fines, tariffs, taxes, surcharges, licensing or filing expenditures accrued by the successful property claimant (We warned you not to go there, remember? We really meant it!) with toxic substances or sea monsters of any kind or quantity on the one acre property specified on, and in the deed.
7. Crumbled ruins, whether toppling, toppled, leaning, upright or a heap of sea grass covered rubble, are classed as “dwellings” and, if occupied or unoccupied, the successful property claimant will be required to pay taxes on the dwelling on an annual basis at the Department of Collections at the Office of Crushing Fees, located in the subsewers below the Pointless Monolith on the south side of the intersection of Manta Lane and Barnacle Avenue, and, as such, it is conveniently located in beautiful downtown Atlantis.
8. New property owners become responsible for any nuisance behaviors (as defined by Atlantean ordinances and laws) perpetrated by tenants of their crumbling ruins (hereafter referred to as a “dwelling”) may bring legal action against the property owner under the sanctions of the recent “Lousy Landlord” law.
9. Multiple infractions may cause the property to be declared a “sea floor slum”, in which case it will then be seized by the Sovereign Kingdom of Atlantis’ own agents, the mermen of S.H.A.R.K.S. These “webbed men in black” work for the seizure division of the Treasury; their motto is “Seize ‘em all” or “Seize property now, ask obvious questions later” depending on which agent one asks. Their agency is known as S.H.A.R.K.S. and acronym for Secretive Heartless Agency Routinely Collecting Kingly Sums according to one former agent. Trust me know when I warn you in the most sincerely serious and more than mildly worried on your behalf way, that having already ignored all previous implorements, warnings and pleadings and had the (frankly) miraculous good luck to have survived this far, it is my hope that the deed holder will at this point display some tiny hint of intelligence, common sense and self-preservation instinct and avoid the wrathful visitations of the cold-blooded, relentless, web men in black of S.H.A.R.K.S.
10. All evictions of troublesome tenants, whether they qualify as sentient or not, will require the filing of eviction papers and filing fees at the Constant Revenue Acquisition Police headquarters, and enforcement arm of the Supreme Headquarters of Internal Taxation, and it occupies the brownish, dumpling-shaped building, directly south of the Treasury building, and conveniently located in beautiful downtown Atlantis.
11. The new property owner will be accompanied by a C.R.A.P. officer, but must serve the notice of eviction to the troublesome tenant in person. This may require the use of a net, trident, bang stick, or stun grenades which will be available from the C.R.A.P. officer at a nominal rental fee. If the troublesome tenant wins this battle, the deed to the property is ceded to them, but the former owner, assuming they are still somehow alive, can take some small measure of satisfaction in the fact that the troublesome tenant must immediately render a years property taxes and other accompanying fees, or be put off the property; at which point it will revert back to being the deed of the Sovereign Kingdom of Atlantis; specifically its representatives Joe King and Hugh Mann.
12. Two officers will accompany the landlord during the eviction, but will take no action other than being observers. These officers are specially trained policemen, knowledgeable in all local laws and ordinances as well as being extensively trained in hostage negotiation situations. They are known as Legal Observers And Diplomatic Sages (L.O.A.D.S. for short) and should the deed holder be taken hostage by the troublesome tenant, the L.O.A.D.S. will make attempts both token and feeble to save the deed holders life.
13. Should the deed holder accidentally (or intentionally) slay the troublesome tenant during eviction, they could be held on murder charges if the deceased former tenant is found to have been legally sentient. If this is the case, the deed holder will be held for trial by the Department of Extremely Enormous Procurements (D.E.E.P) who will sieze all the deed holders property and possessions in Atlantis if they are found guilty. D.E.E.P. is another branch of the Supreme Headquarters of Internal Taxation, and is located in the lowest floors of the the Loaf building.
14. In the final analysis, having a couple of the L.O.A.D.S. of C.R.A.P. with you to help evict a troublesome tenant could still result in you finding yourself in D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. The deed seller assumes absolutely no liability for calamities resulting from objects or tenants present on the one acre of property specified on, and in, the deed, when they are interacted with by the successful property claimant.
15. Treasure, lost payrolls, precious metals, statues, precious stones, salvageable cargo and artifacts of the ancients of certain varieties are classed by the Sovereign Kingdom of Atlantis as “loot” and are non-taxable as long as they remain on the one acre of seafloor property specified in, and on, the deed help by the successful property claimant.
16. However, if any “loot” is moved over the property line, it immediately becomes taxable. The city of Atlantis, itself, charges a hefty 40% removal tax and the Sovereign Kingdom of Atlantis levies and additional fee of 20% - 70% based on the variety of “loot” being removed from the kingdom. It is thus possible to come away with nothing and end up owing the Sovereign Kingdom of Atlantis additional money. If this is not forthcoming, the Sovereign Kingdom of Atlantis usually seizes the property, and the deed is ceded back to its representatives: specifically, Joe King and Hugh Mann.
17. Devices of the ancients, bombs, missiles, grenades, torpedoes, ionic cannons, breach and bore loaded cannons as well as offensive wands and staffs are all classed as exotic weapons and by city ordinance require a proper license to be issued and, in the case of torpedoes, depth charges, harpoon cannons and energy weapons, the owner will be required to successfully complete a safety course as these are classed as hunting and fishing equipment by the Sovereign Kingdom of Atlantis. A safety course in the safe handling and storage of hunting and fishing equipment can be enrolled in at the Atlantean Military Academy (conveniently located in Beautiful downtown Atlantis) for a nominal fee.
18. Additional fees apply for hunting and fishing licenses and a permit to own the equipment and transport it. Such licenses and permits may be acquired at the Department of Marine Fauna; specifically, the Office of Leviathan Eradication located on the east side of the buildings main floor. The D.M.F. is quartered in the Triton Building, conveniently located in beautiful downtown Atlantis. The sellers of the deed strongly urge the perspective hunter or fisherman to reconsider many times before attempting any deep-sea hunting or fishing, as these sports often prove fatal to those who attempt to enjoy them. The seller of the deed assumes absolutely no liability for any injuries, missing limbs, mangling, or entire consumption of the deed holder if they attempt these sports. Please, do not try this away from home.
Assuming the deed holder (or miraculously still-living successful property claimant) has read this far, several things about the deed have probably become obvious to even the most oblivious reader; the main one being that having the deed and controlling the property it specifies may be two vastly different things. So why buy a deed in the first place? Well, it helps prevent yet another war from breaking out (Atlantis vs. the surface world) and it helps fund some very worthy organizations dedicated to cleaning up the oceans, halting over fishing, and preserving the remaining wonders of the deep. If the oceans perish, the surface world will do likewise, so saving the oceans and seas is comparable to saving the world. And the deed to the one acre of Atlantean property is a beautiful certificate of the fact that you cared enough to act, and stand up as a responsible, caring citizen of planet earth. Stopping a war? Saving the entire world? Let’s face it, it doesn’t get much bigger than that. You can be justifiably proud of your actions, and display the property deed as a symbol of your heart’s and mind’s good intentions. In fact, you have every right, and some would say, an obligation, to let others know how cool and selfless you really are. In fact, brag it up and be sure to wear a sneer of smug self-satisfaction while you do. Let’s face it, when someone is as caring, cool, and selfless as you obviously are, trying to act humble would just come across as snotty posing and obvious self deprecation. Feel free to remind others of your awesomeness whenever necessary. The deed is large enough that even a geriatric nay-saying ninny with cataracts as thick as your thumb could see it, if you wave it in front of their face or roll it up and whack them on the head with it. Make sure your friends know that you have a certificate of deed that proves you are way cooler, more caring and far more altruistic than they are or could ever be and make sure you remind them of this fact whenever they get to grandiose or snobbish (unless they also buy an acre of Atlantis, and that would even up the altruism and caring scores, but you would still be cooler than them since you ought one acre first. But just a bit cooler. Maybe you should get another acre just to stay ahead. Yeah, that would work! Even if they bought one acre of Atlantis, you would own two acres, and thus be twice as cool as they are. You’d better buy three acres, just to be on the safe side). The same goes for relatives, acquaintances, and total strangers who can’t outrun you. Older folks and mobility impaired individuals will have even more difficulty in avoiding your coolness and caringness. Make sure you let them know how cool and caring you are, whether they like it or not. If they try to change the subject, tell you to shut up and go away, or make feeble and vain attempts to flee, it just proves that they realize you are way cooler and more caring than they could ever hope to be and they know it, but are just too humiliated to admit it. Make sure to rub it in some more; obviously they deserve it. But seriously though, the deed sellers neither advocate nor approve of harassing others or bludgeoning them with rolled up, or, perhaps more painfully, framed property deeds, and assume no liability for any such actions by the deed holder. Our lawyers inform us that you can give them the “thumbs down”, “Raspberry”, or the “Bronx Cheer” as long as its clear it was your, not our, idea. Besides, none of you could ever be as cool and caring and altruistic and genuinely humble as Joe King and Hugh Mann are. We Rock! But seriously, just kidding; we don’t rock. WE KICK ASS!
Now you kick ass to. Just not quite as much as we do! Okay, you kick as much ass as we do, but we were doing this first, so we’re still the coolest. Period.